Bitch-Space: 26 April 2024

I still don’t know what to write, and these gloves make my fingers feel weird, makes typing a little harder. I don’t know what the issue is with WiW and where I’m at. I’m all excited to write the story and find out where it goes (let’s be honest here, I know where it goes, I’m just not entirely sure I know how it gets there.) but… I don’t know.

What’s holding me back? Have I built this sucker up too much? Put too much pressure on myself, what with all the daydreaming and (kindly meant) words from A? And let’s not forget the never-ending quest to write a book in a month (or two) and start (then keep) a 1k-a-day streak. I mean, that would be awesome, but first I have to clear out the shit holding me back.

What’s holding me back? Fear. Fear of failure. How the fuck am I going to fail at this? Only one way, by not writing it. Now, I KNOW I can write this. I know I can write the shit out of this, it may not be what I had in mind, or what I expect/want it to be, but it’ll still be good. It’ll still be grand and fun and exciting. So, let’s not worry about failing, because that’s just not possible.

Next fear… everyone will think that it’s a pile of poo and will never, ever pick up a book of mine again. We all know this is tosh. Even if everyone in the entire world read it (and that’s never going to happen), Fifty Shades is a best seller so… yeah. And hey, I’ll have fun, and I’ll enjoy it, and that’s all the fucking well matters.

Next fear… I’ll get lambasted because cultural appropriation. Yeah, I’m not sure on this one. I’m sure there are plenty of other thinly-veiled Asian stories out there, written by people who have as much knowledge of the culture as I do. It’s not like I’m saying “hey, this is based on Chinese mythology!” I’m going to be incredibly upfront about “hey, this is heavily inspired by my love of Chinese TV dramas and the xianxia genre!”

Is there another fear? I think all of my fears are wrapped up in the above; failure, ridicule and making readers angry. Annd… putting pressure on myself because I’m not writing to DWS’s standards, and that last bit is just stupid. DWS himself… well ok, DWS has definite thoughts about people who can’t write at least 1k words and hour consistently, but screw him. That standard is getting in my head and fucking shit up. I KNOW I can do 1k words an hour because I’ve done it (Letters I’ll Never Send, Bitch-space, etc). I do it when I’m not worrying over-much about what I’m writing. So, the key with WiW is not let go of the worry.

Easier said than done, but that’s the plan.

One other thing that’s blocking the works with WiW is… I don’t know what the fuck is happening. Not in the “I need a plot outline!” kinda way but… I can’t SEE it kinda way. Maybe that’s some of the fear talking, maybe it’s not a case of I can’t see it, but that I’m scared to see it, because what if I see it and what I see is stupid? What if it sucks, what if it’s slow as a fuck and everyone gets bored before the second chapter? What if all I’m doing is talking and no doing. What if everyone leaves before I’m done?

Isn’t the whole point of this that I enjoy it? Will I enjoy writing it? Will I enjoy the slow(er) pace? Will I savour every single fucking second of what I see in my head? Yes, yes I will. And let’s have another moment of honesty, I don’t exactly do “slow” no matter how “slow” I feel something is. I’m not Tolkien or Robert Jordan, I’m not taking readers on a never-ending journey through some forest we don’t give a shit about. That’s not me.

I do action, even when I’m not doing action, and slowing things down a mite will a) be good practice, a way to expand/grow as a writer and b) provide a foil for the fast bits. The DRAMATIC bits, the juicy meaty bits that are the main reason that I’m writing WiW.

WiW is all about those moments I love in c-drama, the delicious bits where the main character/s sacrifice for the person they care most about, and all the onlookers go “OMG! They did what?!” and realise just how awesome/special that character really was. THAT’S what I’m writing this for, and that ALL me. 

So yeah. The chewy, gristly bits. The fun bits, and the fun bits need the slow bits, the build-up to really hit home.

So let’s be slow (or slow in my own brain, it’s never really slow when I come back to it, and readers still say my slow bits are fast, so… grain of salt and all that), let’s savour the moments, the descriptions, the explorations of things, and let’s make the dramatic bits really sing.

We can be slow and fast at the same time. We can give our readers a break from the hectic pace of a Belinda Crawford tale. We can be that kind. At least for this story.

Let’s go have some fun.

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